One destructive path

My life so far, has been quite a ride. I've destroyed everything I come across, especially my social life. I've went through friends faster than I can say I have no real friends. I was outrageous last year, with my drinking, and my smoking. How many school sesh's do I need to have before I realize that drugs don't get you through school? I couldn't wait for that lunch sesh every morning that I woke up. I was stoked for that night, to get really drunk. I was so ready to stay up all night and get an hour of sleep before school. The way I treated girls last year, was unacceptable. I think about it, and I want to talk to each one of my ex's and apologize for how I treated them. I was a pretty verbally abusive boyfriend last year, mostly caused by the things I did. I was a liar, a cheater, and an asshole. I played girls all of freshmen year, acting like another girl didn't even exist. Looking back at my old messages made me think about a lot. Almost everyone knew what I did last year, but no one knew how much I suffered. They figured I controlled my drinking, and only him, her, and my cousin knew the truth. Let's start off with you dude, you knew everything. No guy was ever close to me, throughout my whole life. You were an enabler, but you understood. You drank, smoked, and partied with me but always kept me safe. I don't think you'll ever know how thankful I am. No one will ever really realize how much I cared about you. You saved my life dude. Sometimes I would outgrow drinking, or at least I thought I did. But somehow, a couple nights later I would be taking vikoden and chuggin' beers. You were my bestfriend, and I miss you. On to you, girl, you did a lot for me. We were off and on all year, but you were always there for me. For some reason, I was so hesitant to say how I felt to you. You never judged me, and tried helping me with my problem, but I was just so nervous around you. You picked me up every night I would fall in the bushes, or the middle of the street, or the river. The first time I said I love you to you, I was wasted. You didn't care though, you said it back. And it felt good because I didn't rush into saying it. We were already together for a couple months. Anyway, the point is, I told you everything and you saved me last year also. You were the only girl I could talk to you about my problem. When your dad died, I know it hit you pretty hard. It really seemed like I didn't care because I never stopped anything like you asked. Whenever you'd talk about him, I'd be busy saying "Hang on, lemme crush this bowl." I'm sorry for that. Keegan, you corrupted me, and I love you more than you know. I need you to come home, help me again. I can't raise myself, you know how dad is. I know my life was rough last year, and you know that too, but I'm sure nothing compares to what you're dealing with right now. I miss you calling me, and telling me what went on in the day. You send letters to aunt cindy, because she's your mom. But send something to me, I get all of my information from her. And you know how much she moves around. It's just hard without you, I've gone through a lot. I feel like when you come back, if you come back, that it'll almost be like we will have to meet each other again. You've been gone for about 3 years now. You came back last year, because you knew it was gonna be hard, with what was going on at home. I want to thank you, you truly will never know what you've done in my life. You are my only hero, that will ever be in my life. You've had ten times the amount of problems I've had, and you didn't have anyone. Just come back that's all I ask. I love you. I'm gonna try going through the stage I went through last year. When I got out of it, things started going perfect. This time, I won't have Keegan. I won't have anyone, and that's what I want. I need to fall on my own, I don't want people picking me up. I'm gonna hit rock bottom, and get myself up. Thanks to everyone who is going to try though.